i don't know what i'm supposed to say to you i don't know how i'm supposed to make it through even if i could do it easily all i ever wanted was to be close to you lately i don't know if i can make it i'm dead broke, alone watching HBOGO naked i'm still sick, can't find the strength to change it nameless chalk body face down on the pavement my best known hobby is probably sobbing, honestly kicked out quik trip or hanging out the car vomiting finding new ways to bother anyone still tolerant, while whispering "whats worse" to the ghost that's still haunting me i don't know what i'm supposed to say to you i don't know how i'm supposed to make it through even if i could do it easily all i ever wanted was to be close to you small town tragedies we bury in the passing of time, and the shut down chevron at night somewhere beyond resting rusted cars stone churches, sports bars football team america dead pets buried in makeshift cemeteries under cherry trees, or redbuds in bloom in spring i am new to this, i am a virgin to the world again and at the soft touch of her hand i unfurl my wings if we spin it all backwards, this never happens, you never hit me, i'm still laughing not sobbing with my head on the sand & small tremors running through the cracks in my hand xxxxxx never stabbed, & i don't feel the absence xxxxxx passed along when he mixed his dope & xanax xxxx sticks around for his kids first day of classes xxxx never takes that swan dive in manhattan i'm not sobbing, i'm only laughing i'm not crying, i'm just laughing

thought i saw your face among the trees but it was just a dream woke up in bed alone cursed the day i was born can't believe i really let you slip right through my arms i'm waiting on a call la la la la you call on me la la la la just call on me and i'll come running don't gotta wait for the summer to end without your love i'd lose my head have no hope, it's all a joke

like all great things it starts with an ending the door slams shut and you fall in love again i'm sicker than i've ever been and i don't know when it's gonna stop i'm crying in my car parked outside the dog park i don't know if i can make it if i don't make it to allston for lunch tell jeff i'm sorry i didn't mean something came up in the sweet heat of a dead or dying summer i'm night-swimming down methadone mile & ugly crying, i'm trying to call you a ride before my phone dies swear this is the last time later on beneath the unlit sign outside the s-mart our stressed out highs collide & separate us but before you can dive into the shallow black water of my heart stomach pangs pull us apart it's coming at me like a car in the night i live & die in the headlights i go down sometimes but they still pay me, baby i'm graceful when i'm falling everyone applauding (come back to life, before my telephone rings) (in the desert - i swore that i was born again not in a church, but under neon heaven) (you made it hard to have grace day after day from the clinic to the grave)

something makes me cry but i don't know why lately i don't feel strong enough to pick myself up from the floor in the bed or in the car falling apart in your arms ashamed of what i can't quite figure out any time, night or day home or hundreds of miles away i'm still caught between the spider webs in each corner of your room you say "it's not enough for me but should it even be?"

chrissy said she saw you go all alone to the punk rock show wonder if your friends will show you got some attitude on you, yeah attitude on you wonder how long it takes for everybody to feel the same know you always got somethin to say you got some attitude on you, yeah attitude on you just can't stop runnin your mouth gonna cost you , better watch out oh yeah patience is wearing thin and the outcomes lookin grim oh yeah now youre drunk kicked out the bar screaming in your ex girls yard wondering where it all went wrong you got some attitude on you, yeah some attitude on you, yeah attitude on you, yeah attitude on you

just one mistake, it ends with a sob, no one knows the sin but god in a pool of shit & shallow water

in this empty space left running i feel nothing i am nothing in its darkness & its movement i feel nothing nothing in me someone pulled rose off her crown or her cabinet empty front porch swing nightmare on basement step someone was with her then someone was there waiting (all i want all i need) somebody noticed the truck red like twin pools of blood rivulet(s), lost for words blank space where deaths converge (all i want all i need)

absent hunger, absent dreaming absent love, absent laughter, absent terror, deaf & dumb in the morning i'll be sick i don't have a choice will myself to rise again at the sound of your voice they say you might go a lifetime without knowing the demon feeding on a child's claustrophobia bury me, my dear in the way you say my name

a row of trash sits at the bottom of the fence the cemetery on edmondson on top it's flowers i drive by every hour looming, like in a dream just enough to keep me chained my brain is misbehaving i spend three hours waiting staring at my phone in a giant parking lot alone or lying prostrate outside menards, lit by truck light i wanna open my heart i wanna lay my head in heavens arms how do i know i'm not yet buried there's just enough to keep me wary last few weeks, forever floating facedown on some highway's shoulder swimming in each side street throwing glance at every dirty face i see or in the tub, face down sobbing at the truckstop, spitting vomiting. enough to keep me tied but not enough to sleep at night

sometimes i'm happy & i wanna to live forever

i dont wanna leave i don't know how to stay this way like a single cloud stretched over a sunny day those beautiful hands gliding down my arm in the big black car with the wind whipping her hair around you said you wanted to go but then you started to cry i thought i knew what to say but the words just leave my mind you say 'if thats what it takes i'll search the whole world twice like a single cloud blacking out a summer night'